In this moment at 6:41 pm 11/9/2017… I am in the middle of an argument with my fiancé who I love dearly.
In this moment I am practicing a lesson I needed a reminder on yesterday. Something I used to be such a pro at. Not accepting peoples fuck shit.
And don’t get me wrong, it ain’t always other people. I can definitely be wrong at times but what I won’t do when being blamed, or “attacked” is allow some one to treat me as a push over, ignorant or less than. Phrases like, “you don’t even make sense,” you are speaking in circles” and “you don’t know what you are talking about” light a fire under my ass cause BITCH YES I DO KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE I AM A COMPETENT BEING. And If you wanna go there and I have to take my time to explain it too you - I sure will.
All this after a few weeks ago being accused of abuse through of gas lighting, but naw B that ain't even me.
All this to refer back to yesterday. We hardly argue, and when we do its usually something sooooo little and not important. Today it’s about who lost the remote. Yes, laugh hoe. Its that real and we actually argued about it. Okay okay, for real though… yesterday. Yesterday I showed my fiancé an art project I am working on for my debut as a visual artist. When I told him the back drop was a galaxy, he said “it doesn’t look like one.” Like Erykah Badu – I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT MY SHIT. So I’m like aight bruh get out (cause my shit def look like a galaxy out here). At that point I wasn't actually mad, just super annoyed. He said it didn’t look like a galaxy because the star/constellations didn’t have any patterns. -___- Insert all the BRICK FACES here. Now, I know my fiancé to be some one who is over critical so I actually wasn’t surprised. When I came out of the room I dismissed him from, he came straight to me and asked if he hurt my feelings to which my response was “I mean I guess, but I don’t expect anything different from you, its what I bargained for and said yes too so whatever. It’s who you are.”
I went to lay in the bed and immediately was struck with crippling anxiety. Throat closed up, chest got tight and my mind - still sane - was like “what the entire fuck elz?” So I lay for a while. He tries showing me funny memes. I ain't really laugh even though they were funny. I finally decide, "Imma knock this out. Gimme my herbs make me some tea," I grab my b12 vape and self soothe. I feel things begin to release, but only half way. He brings me my tea specifically for anxiety and hormone balancing, and tell him to stop before he walks away. “I don’t accept any of that shit. What you said about my art, didn’t really hurt but I don’t accept it. I don’t accept any of that shit, I don’t care if that’s who you are or not I don’t accept it and I just need you to know that. As a matter of fact I need 10 compliments right now since you hurt my feelings cause I need to undo the pain in my chest.” He agrees and by the time he shoots out the first 5, the anxiety had subsided completely. But I was still going to get my other 5 trust and believe.
This instance reminded me that if we look deeply enough back into our youth we can find tools we probably though were silly af. If we employed those same rules within our relationships, if we are able to clearly enough communicate our feelings; what has hurt us and the specific need that has to be met to completely remedy the situation we would be much better at resolving conflict. On the regular basis we use I statements – which has taken lot’s of practice for both of us being that I was taught it repeatedly professionally and he has only learned it from me with out being able to practice with any one else (at least not to my knowledge).
Yesterday, I implemented the “Ouch Rule.” Back when I was 17 or 18, as a student in Upward Bound, the rule instated was if you hurt some ones feelings no matter what is said, they will say ouch and you then owe that person 2 compliments. Now back then, we squeal ouch for everything and be met with half ass compliments that were often meaningless –“I like your hair,” “Your shoes are cool.” Shit that really doesn’t mean much except that you got a lil swag or maybe good genes. But in adult hood - these kind of compliments would not suffice. So I asked my partner for 10. Yea, sure tell me how cute I am – but you have 9 more compliments to really prove how much attention you value and honor as a human being. Also, when your partner, your love hurts your feelings it is much more servere then some stranger on the street or a family member you can’t. This entire incident was a nice reminder that we 1) Have the tools we need if we paid enough attention to lessons (of any kind from our youth) and 2) we have the ability to shapeshift and govern our emotions.
As for today. We still arguing. It is now the silent kind of arguing. Why? Because today I am practicing non-acceptance. I am practicing what it looks like to truly not accept what is being served if it is not real, falsely processed or just straight up unnecessary blame. I used to be a pro at not accepting people’s shit, but it’s different when you are committing to someone. We both need to be called IN when we are wrong. It just happens to be that today I am doing the calling in. And once he finds the remote I will meet him with “Remember this” – not “I told you so.”
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy all the def poets I enjoyed form my youth who really just coming all in my memory right now. In the mean time, I hope you practice to not accept what does not serve you no matter who it is coming from.
Stay poppin yall,
ps. its now 7:20 and he is blow drying his hair like I told him so. So I'mma take that as a foreshadowed petty win... ha haaa Just kidding buttttt *side eye*
Filling up the cup
\nWhen it is competely dry - it is a long slow process to filling back up. If only it were truly as simple as pouring water into a glass and drinking i would have been up and running around without having to smile and sigh in response to people asking how I have been doing.
\nBeing in the work of assisting in healing others is wonderful and painstaking. It requires consistency, empathy, non-judgement, understanding and flexibility. All magnificent and beautiful traits. But healers also become, fragile, brittle even sometimes break at the lack of reciprocity available within chosen communities; at no fault to individuals or communities because this is indeed our consciously chosen work. I can't bear the idea of this reflection to seemingly registered as a complaint because I truly love what I do. I do this for evolutionary and liberatory practice for myself and others. Not for gratitude or thanks.
\nWhat I am I still trying to navigate is what it takes to make this freedom practice sustainable for myself. I'm finding the only consistency i have in this practice is being open to self work and the assisted guidance for others. Integrated regular self care and cleansing seems to almost always be my down fall. I'll cleanse, I'll be good to my self; so good to my self that I start giving myself away for free. Which is also okay - But if you empty a full fridge and haven't eaten yet you will probably feel a bit starved if that ass dont go back to the "grocery store/farm/market" or tge "money/snap" has run out.
\nBut freedom and liberation have costs. I need to pay myself just as I need others to pay me in both love based and monetary gratitude. What I really wanna say is ... Yes keep loving on me, but a bitch got bills today too. If you mad, remember I walk in all worlds. :) their is no confinement, and my liberation includeins me being expansive and expressive on my own terms.
\nNot to go on a rant about bills and expenses but healers need healers too. We cant always do ALL of our own work and the work of others. And hust because we are healers does not mean other have the capacity to give away free healing in the moment we need it most.
\nI wanna do better. I wanna be as accessible as I have been. And that means honoring and caring for myself as I will forever be my primary provider. And just as I have told the love of my life who is now my Fiancé, "I can't heal others if I can't heal my self first." This a rededication to self, this is a plan to return full and ready to continue serving my community with a full lighy and happy heart.
\nUntil Fall, until the equinox - till this next full moon I am on hiatus, on retreat; a spiritual sabatical to Brazil. A familiar place that reminds me I have been here many times before. This time for the first time with a permanent travel buddy and budding thoughts of a new kind of union.
tty on the return and revive,
\nPs. Yes I did just slip that milestone in <3
People will take, take, take, until there is nothing left. They will also be real offended when you tell them you have nothing to give. Well guess what, it's better to just let some one be upset with you than running yourself into the ground.
I mean really think about it. If some one honors, loves and respects you and sees you struggling and still DEMANDS, not graciously inquires, but DEMANDS you give to them. Is this person really some one you need to be wraped up in or involve with?
Your yes, holds power. It says "I'm here for you. You are important to me. I care for you. I want you to succeed." and so on. but when over used turns in to half hearted action that can turn into resentment. If you are always saying yes, the action that follows doesn't become less special, but it can become more stressful, more tiresome- and all in all you can really wear yourself out.
I challenge you, as I challenge my self, to say NO more often. Don't block your blessings, be really go within and see if what you have been saying yes to is absolutely necessary. Is it bringing you joy, is it serving the person who is asking for their highest good - or are you saying yes just because.
Try NO more often to honor your self, space and time. Serve yourself for a little bit. Besides, as my good friend Monica McIntyre would say -" with out the "No" the "YES!" wouldn't be so sweet!"
Peace Yall, Stay Poppin,
I'm guilty, I'm guilty. I did it. It was an accident but I did it. I put every person in my life, every person I had come across before myself. I forgot self love, I forgot self preservation, I forgot to tell people "I'm not okay." I lied saying I was fine.
Being in a service role all the time, and getting caught up in this American culture that keeps you chasing a dollar is dangerous. I forgot to take care of my body, I forgot to work out, I forgot to eat well, hell the only thing I didn't forget to do was clean my body and wash clothes, but no those clothes did not get put away. In fact that clean load of laundry is still sitting in the suitcase I stuffed with dirty clothes and took with me to the home of a friend who responded to my cry for help on face book asking if any body had a spare room for me for a couple of days so I could clear my mind.
To be empathic, to be a community servant, to be in a committed relationship and to be sensitive AND passionate as fuck (not a bad thing at all btw) - It just all got to be too much. Even with short vacations weaved in, I felt like I never had a break. I let life get all the way in the way, and I felt my self start to sink. And the thing is, at this part in my journey - I see depression coming before it even arrives, I felt the weight before I felt the weight, I knew when I would be anxious before anxiety even got here AND I know how to counteract all of these feelings through plant medicine, flower essences, meditation, AND I STILL FUCKING FORGOT.
Thankfully, at the last Tincture Making Workshop I taught my good friend, and teacher dropped a name for a massage therapist and the name rung out. I knew I had to see her. My friend told me The massage therapist was clairvoyant, and I knew just then that this person would hold confirmation on what was going on in my body and how to fix it.
Sure enough, my body was fucked up and she could tell. My neck, spine, shoulder, hips, hands, knees, ankles and feet all had issues. Her words verbatim, "Girl your shoulder says you are the definition of 'my nerves bad.'" And that's exactly what my shoulder felt like, When she got into my left hand, it was so tense that the my hand muscles didn't even respond to the therapy she was putting in. She said, "Damn, your heart is completely empty - there is nothing here" and proceed to show me what a healthy hand/heart center response should have looked like.
And she was right, 2 days prior, I had an argument with my partner that made me realize I had been completely depleted of any strength to continue the work I was doing. I told him I cannot heal any one if I don't heal myself first. That's when I left to seek a piece of solitude.
Luckily, I know what I need and I am in a position to still be able to help myself. This past full moon after curating the Asc3nsion Box I realized now is the time to truly help myself so that I may continue to help others. I released the thought in my head that others had to come first because that is the nature of my business - because in this line of work that is not, and will never be sustainable. And boyyyyyyyyyyy, my body agreed because I had the worst diarrhea I've had in quite sometime. While emotions can find themselves stagnant all over the body, I tend to respond to whats going on in my life through my gut.
After weeks watching me neglect myself, my partner had my back in asking what I took for the painful intestinal cramping I was having - "how you tell other people to take all this plant medicine and you aren't taking it?" Now normally I always prepare my self a concoction to heal myself. Its how any thing in Asc3nsion Art gets created. I don't sell anything I don't use myself. But the last thing I wanted to do was put something in my mouth. But I knew he was right.
So, I went to the kitchen and relied on my intuition to help me out. I knew chamomile was good but it wasn't going to be good enough for what I was experiencing in that moment. I pulled out my jar of Golden Rod and peeled and cut up some fresh ginger root. Bae had the water already boiling for me and I made my tea. Bitch! It took just 3 sips for my stomach to stop cramping and the diarrhea to stop. I was so thankful he reminded me to love my self by simply caring for myself and using what I know and what I study to do so because other wise I would have been running back and forth to the toilet all night.
It took all of the last few weeks, maybe even two months to recommit to self care, to recommit to self love, to recommit to giving myself what I need and practicing what I preach. I'm thankful to have felt all the emotions that I did and I am grateful for not slipping into a depressive state at this point in my journey. I am also thankful for a good friend of mine calling me IN about a text I didn't respond to when she was asking for help with planning an event. The quote, "many hands make light work" keeps coming up lately and I can't help to think that if my pride had been put aside I, myself, would have been able to ask for help, and have received it so much earlier on that I would have been able to also help my friend. With that being said, I am also grateful for friends who are transparent and will tell you when something that may seem small has hurt them in a big way. That kind of vulnerability and honesty is lacking in so so many people, and I am grateful to have people in my life who will share with me what is going on with them and how they are feeling - and even when they feel hurt still say I love you and if you need help ask me. Communicate with those who you love and those who love you - it will remind you of everything you need to be doing for your self and others.
Love yourselves first. Love yourself so you can love others from a vibrant, liberated space. This week I am loving myself by preparing my self healthy, plant based, UNPROCESSED meals, working out and staying committed to a work out routine, centering myself with at least 20 mins of yoga a day, and returning to a practice of meditation when I wake up in the morning. I might even try and sneak in an art project or two. Anything to allow me to be well all around, cause if I can't be well for myself, I sure can't do it for anyone else.
How do you plan on showing yourself love today? this week? This Lunar Cycle?Let me know by leaving a comment below!
I love yall, and I want ya'll to be poppin' as fuck. LOL, love yourself till your cup is full. I'm filling mine back up and will be posting some goodies every week for the rest of August.
Be well, stay lit!
SIDE NOTE: vacations with other people is not alone time, its not peaceful, its not solitude, its work- enjoyable work, but work none the less
What's poppin' ya'll? I am so grateful to be finally documenting my journey of self and healing online. This year, even though it be a global year one, is my personal year nine, and it's been some type fruitful! There is so much I can't wait to share with you all - but more importantly, I am excited for this to be a personal space for teaching and learning online.
I've done some extraordinary things - and been in some amazing places... places you could have never told me I would have gone when I was young. Life seemed so limiting, but deep in me I knew there was so much more to see and do. So many more ways to feel then just one - for me that one feeling for a long time was anger... and now I feel a complete range of emotions, well almost complete hee hee... we'll talk 'bout it.
It's truly amazing how we can grow and live through so many things and still find the beauty of life, and even more so the beauty in all the ugly places and things we have been, seen - done. My true intention for this space is to allow people to pick and choose what they need to take with them on a journey to self mastery - to a life that is healing and fulfilling, and hopefully that the documenting of my history and my experiences in almost real time will allow for the rough patches in others' journies to be a lil easier to navigate through.
I truly believe we all have the ability to live out our deepest desires, to heal from our most painful traumas, and to be well mentally, physically and spiritually. I will be providing tons of information, resources, and experiences - like real shit, like shitty shit and good shit - so you know how good knowing self can be, and how great knowing the earth can be as well when we really talk about healing!
This blog is going to be as raw as possible... aint not bullshit about healing and living a good life... it sure aint all fairy dust and unicorn farts... but what I offer will be real, and I hope that some part of any of it is helpful and healing...
"An older white man wearing a wet suit and jeans in Louisiana, (mind you aint no beaches or waves by Louisiana... we were at a natural spring in a healer's backyard but still... #pettywap... ) he observes my partner wearing khaki colored army pants... The man with his wet suit and floppy hat proudly asks, "are you in the military?" My partner, patiently replies, "no, why?" - "well son, your pants..." My partner chuckles a laugh at the mans not so foolish question and answers, "naw, I just shop at the Good Will."
The man continues to say, "eh - well, no use in joining now any way, I joined when their were real issues - Vet for WWII... I was fighting against genocide."
BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Yall Muh Fuckers was also committing Genocide joining a war and if you think ain't no genocide going on now you stupid as fuck...
I almost feel guilty having these wonderful ass days where I wish I would have challenged him, instead of actually challenging... but I couldn't come down from my high to be bothered to deal with the BS that was leaving his mouth.
Later in the day, the man observes the smooth, tree-adorned, chocolate shoulder of my dear friend. "Oh, is that the tree of life tattoo on your back"
"it's a tree of life of sorts. There is actually blood on the branches of this tree. It pays homage to the ancestors who were lynched..."
"Oh, Dear God!" He responds.
Not another word left his lips. Not one.
Was he calling on god to belittle our ancestors truth, or in shock that some one would adorn themselves with such a memory?
I wonder - if he realizes...
The genocide never ended.