I'm guilty, I'm guilty. I did it. It was an accident but I did it. I put every person in my life, every person I had come across before myself. I forgot self love, I forgot self preservation, I forgot to tell people "I'm not okay." I lied saying I was fine.
Being in a service role all the time, and getting caught up in this American culture that keeps you chasing a dollar is dangerous. I forgot to take care of my body, I forgot to work out, I forgot to eat well, hell the only thing I didn't forget to do was clean my body and wash clothes, but no those clothes did not get put away. In fact that clean load of laundry is still sitting in the suitcase I stuffed with dirty clothes and took with me to the home of a friend who responded to my cry for help on face book asking if any body had a spare room for me for a couple of days so I could clear my mind.
To be empathic, to be a community servant, to be in a committed relationship and to be sensitive AND passionate as fuck (not a bad thing at all btw) - It just all got to be too much. Even with short vacations weaved in, I felt like I never had a break. I let life get all the way in the way, and I felt my self start to sink. And the thing is, at this part in my journey - I see depression coming before it even arrives, I felt the weight before I felt the weight, I knew when I would be anxious before anxiety even got here AND I know how to counteract all of these feelings through plant medicine, flower essences, meditation, AND I STILL FUCKING FORGOT.
Thankfully, at the last Tincture Making Workshop I taught my good friend, and teacher dropped a name for a massage therapist and the name rung out. I knew I had to see her. My friend told me The massage therapist was clairvoyant, and I knew just then that this person would hold confirmation on what was going on in my body and how to fix it.
Sure enough, my body was fucked up and she could tell. My neck, spine, shoulder, hips, hands, knees, ankles and feet all had issues. Her words verbatim, "Girl your shoulder says you are the definition of 'my nerves bad.'" And that's exactly what my shoulder felt like, When she got into my left hand, it was so tense that the my hand muscles didn't even respond to the therapy she was putting in. She said, "Damn, your heart is completely empty - there is nothing here" and proceed to show me what a healthy hand/heart center response should have looked like.
And she was right, 2 days prior, I had an argument with my partner that made me realize I had been completely depleted of any strength to continue the work I was doing. I told him I cannot heal any one if I don't heal myself first. That's when I left to seek a piece of solitude.
Luckily, I know what I need and I am in a position to still be able to help myself. This past full moon after curating the Asc3nsion Box I realized now is the time to truly help myself so that I may continue to help others. I released the thought in my head that others had to come first because that is the nature of my business - because in this line of work that is not, and will never be sustainable. And boyyyyyyyyyyy, my body agreed because I had the worst diarrhea I've had in quite sometime. While emotions can find themselves stagnant all over the body, I tend to respond to whats going on in my life through my gut.
After weeks watching me neglect myself, my partner had my back in asking what I took for the painful intestinal cramping I was having - "how you tell other people to take all this plant medicine and you aren't taking it?" Now normally I always prepare my self a concoction to heal myself. Its how any thing in Asc3nsion Art gets created. I don't sell anything I don't use myself. But the last thing I wanted to do was put something in my mouth. But I knew he was right.
So, I went to the kitchen and relied on my intuition to help me out. I knew chamomile was good but it wasn't going to be good enough for what I was experiencing in that moment. I pulled out my jar of Golden Rod and peeled and cut up some fresh ginger root. Bae had the water already boiling for me and I made my tea. Bitch! It took just 3 sips for my stomach to stop cramping and the diarrhea to stop. I was so thankful he reminded me to love my self by simply caring for myself and using what I know and what I study to do so because other wise I would have been running back and forth to the toilet all night.
It took all of the last few weeks, maybe even two months to recommit to self care, to recommit to self love, to recommit to giving myself what I need and practicing what I preach. I'm thankful to have felt all the emotions that I did and I am grateful for not slipping into a depressive state at this point in my journey. I am also thankful for a good friend of mine calling me IN about a text I didn't respond to when she was asking for help with planning an event. The quote, "many hands make light work" keeps coming up lately and I can't help to think that if my pride had been put aside I, myself, would have been able to ask for help, and have received it so much earlier on that I would have been able to also help my friend. With that being said, I am also grateful for friends who are transparent and will tell you when something that may seem small has hurt them in a big way. That kind of vulnerability and honesty is lacking in so so many people, and I am grateful to have people in my life who will share with me what is going on with them and how they are feeling - and even when they feel hurt still say I love you and if you need help ask me. Communicate with those who you love and those who love you - it will remind you of everything you need to be doing for your self and others.
Love yourselves first. Love yourself so you can love others from a vibrant, liberated space. This week I am loving myself by preparing my self healthy, plant based, UNPROCESSED meals, working out and staying committed to a work out routine, centering myself with at least 20 mins of yoga a day, and returning to a practice of meditation when I wake up in the morning. I might even try and sneak in an art project or two. Anything to allow me to be well all around, cause if I can't be well for myself, I sure can't do it for anyone else.
How do you plan on showing yourself love today? this week? This Lunar Cycle?Let me know by leaving a comment below!
I love yall, and I want ya'll to be poppin' as fuck. LOL, love yourself till your cup is full. I'm filling mine back up and will be posting some goodies every week for the rest of August.
Be well, stay lit!
SIDE NOTE: vacations with other people is not alone time, its not peaceful, its not solitude, its work- enjoyable work, but work none the less