In this moment at 6:41 pm 11/9/2017… I am in the middle of an argument with my fiancé who I love dearly.
In this moment I am practicing a lesson I needed a reminder on yesterday. Something I used to be such a pro at. Not accepting peoples fuck shit.
And don’t get me wrong, it ain’t always other people. I can definitely be wrong at times but what I won’t do when being blamed, or “attacked” is allow some one to treat me as a push over, ignorant or less than. Phrases like, “you don’t even make sense,” you are speaking in circles” and “you don’t know what you are talking about” light a fire under my ass cause BITCH YES I DO KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE I AM A COMPETENT BEING. And If you wanna go there and I have to take my time to explain it too you - I sure will.
All this after a few weeks ago being accused of abuse through of gas lighting, but naw B that ain't even me.
All this to refer back to yesterday. We hardly argue, and when we do its usually something sooooo little and not important. Today it’s about who lost the remote. Yes, laugh hoe. Its that real and we actually argued about it. Okay okay, for real though… yesterday. Yesterday I showed my fiancé an art project I am working on for my debut as a visual artist. When I told him the back drop was a galaxy, he said “it doesn’t look like one.” Like Erykah Badu – I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT MY SHIT. So I’m like aight bruh get out (cause my shit def look like a galaxy out here). At that point I wasn't actually mad, just super annoyed. He said it didn’t look like a galaxy because the star/constellations didn’t have any patterns. -___- Insert all the BRICK FACES here. Now, I know my fiancé to be some one who is over critical so I actually wasn’t surprised. When I came out of the room I dismissed him from, he came straight to me and asked if he hurt my feelings to which my response was “I mean I guess, but I don’t expect anything different from you, its what I bargained for and said yes too so whatever. It’s who you are.”
I went to lay in the bed and immediately was struck with crippling anxiety. Throat closed up, chest got tight and my mind - still sane - was like “what the entire fuck elz?” So I lay for a while. He tries showing me funny memes. I ain't really laugh even though they were funny. I finally decide, "Imma knock this out. Gimme my herbs make me some tea," I grab my b12 vape and self soothe. I feel things begin to release, but only half way. He brings me my tea specifically for anxiety and hormone balancing, and tell him to stop before he walks away. “I don’t accept any of that shit. What you said about my art, didn’t really hurt but I don’t accept it. I don’t accept any of that shit, I don’t care if that’s who you are or not I don’t accept it and I just need you to know that. As a matter of fact I need 10 compliments right now since you hurt my feelings cause I need to undo the pain in my chest.” He agrees and by the time he shoots out the first 5, the anxiety had subsided completely. But I was still going to get my other 5 trust and believe.
This instance reminded me that if we look deeply enough back into our youth we can find tools we probably though were silly af. If we employed those same rules within our relationships, if we are able to clearly enough communicate our feelings; what has hurt us and the specific need that has to be met to completely remedy the situation we would be much better at resolving conflict. On the regular basis we use I statements – which has taken lot’s of practice for both of us being that I was taught it repeatedly professionally and he has only learned it from me with out being able to practice with any one else (at least not to my knowledge).
Yesterday, I implemented the “Ouch Rule.” Back when I was 17 or 18, as a student in Upward Bound, the rule instated was if you hurt some ones feelings no matter what is said, they will say ouch and you then owe that person 2 compliments. Now back then, we squeal ouch for everything and be met with half ass compliments that were often meaningless –“I like your hair,” “Your shoes are cool.” Shit that really doesn’t mean much except that you got a lil swag or maybe good genes. But in adult hood - these kind of compliments would not suffice. So I asked my partner for 10. Yea, sure tell me how cute I am – but you have 9 more compliments to really prove how much attention you value and honor as a human being. Also, when your partner, your love hurts your feelings it is much more servere then some stranger on the street or a family member you can’t. This entire incident was a nice reminder that we 1) Have the tools we need if we paid enough attention to lessons (of any kind from our youth) and 2) we have the ability to shapeshift and govern our emotions.
As for today. We still arguing. It is now the silent kind of arguing. Why? Because today I am practicing non-acceptance. I am practicing what it looks like to truly not accept what is being served if it is not real, falsely processed or just straight up unnecessary blame. I used to be a pro at not accepting people’s shit, but it’s different when you are committing to someone. We both need to be called IN when we are wrong. It just happens to be that today I am doing the calling in. And once he finds the remote I will meet him with “Remember this” – not “I told you so.”
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy all the def poets I enjoyed form my youth who really just coming all in my memory right now. In the mean time, I hope you practice to not accept what does not serve you no matter who it is coming from.
Stay poppin yall,
ps. its now 7:20 and he is blow drying his hair like I told him so. So I'mma take that as a foreshadowed petty win... ha haaa Just kidding buttttt *side eye*